What if my life were a Hallmark movie?
because every royal critic deserves her own holiday romance
Happy Christmas Eve! Pour yourself some cocoa and settle in for the most self-indulgent newsletter I've ever written! In the spirit of the holiday, I’m getting a bit ~experimental~ today.
Over the weekend, while en route to a holiday cookie party, my fiancé suggested (endearingly) that I “message Hallmark” and ask to be in a future royal Christmas move. The night before, we had watched Haul Out the Holly: Lit Up, the unhinged 2023 sequel to the equally unhinged 2022 rom-com Haul Out the Holly starring Lacey Chabert. For just a split second during the falling action, we had spotted a familiar face in the crowd of festively dressed extras: Murr from Impractical Jokers. And while the Internet could provide no conclusive answers as to his presence in the production (perhaps a punishment earned during a future or unaired episode?), we did conclude something about the production team of these films. They’ll let anyone in front of the camera who can make a strong enough case for their presence.
Now, that’s still not enough to spur me to scouring the web for an appropriate contact at the Hallmark Company and then cold-emailing them, pitching myself for a Christmas film centered around a royal commentator content creator. But my wheels started spinning at my fiancé’s suggestion nonetheless.
Earlier this month, we bravely asked the question: what makes a Hallmark royal Christmas rom-com?
Why We Can't Quit Royal Christmas Movies
The holiday season isn’t complete without twinkling lights, steaming mugs of cocoa, and, of course, a royal rom-com marathon. Every year, Netflix, Hallmark, and Lifetime reliably deliver a glittering parade of crown-adorned Christmas tales. Plucky commoners melt the hearts of uptight princes, and snow seems to fall on cue for every climactic kiss.
Now, I’m wondering: how would I pitch a Hallmark Christmas movie based on my own circumstances? I do, I’ll admit, have a unique story. (And since this is the same production company that thought a third-generation carousel restorer might make a relatable heroine, I guess that means my odds aren’t zero here.) I’m an accidental influencer living in America whose niche is…royalty. I’m not an enthusiast, either; I’d call myself more of a cynic. One who can’t tear herself away from the historical spectacle. There has to be material there, right?
And so I present to you, dear readers, my plot synopsis for a Hallmark Christmas movie based LOOSELY on my life, in which I could either star or make a Stephanie Meyer-esque cameo. I’m not picky.
Presenting… Hallmark’s The Royal Holiday
Morgan Pierce never meant to become “The Royal Watchdog.” Her viral TikTok exposing the royal family's media manipulation was supposed to be a one-off rant during her journalism PhD research. But three million followers later (come on, I simply have to juice the numbers here! It’s a vanity project!), she's become the internet's favorite critic of the monarchy—known for her sharp analysis and unflinching takes on the invisible contract between the royals and the media.
When her weekly newsletter (open to a Substack sponsorship here, as well!) catches the eye of a prestigious London newspaper, Morgan is invited to cover the Kaldranian Royal Family's Christmas celebrations – a first-ever behind-the-scenes look at their traditions. The catch? She has to participate in their famous Twelve Days of Christmas charity events, not just observe them.
Upon arriving somewhere in southeastern Europe, Morgan finds Prince Edward of Kaldrania to be everything she expected: charming for the cameras, defensive of tradition, and completely blind to his family's PR machine. He's tasked with managing the Christmas charity events while proving to his grandmother, the Queen (complete with a loyal hound who never leaves her side), that he's ready to modernize the monarchy – without actually changing anything.
Oh, who am I casting in these roles? Great question! Let’s go with Corey Mylchreest (King George III in Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story) as Prince Edward, and Fiona Shaw (Aunt Petunia in Harry Potter) as the Queen.
Complicating matters further is the arrival of Edward's cousin, Lord James Blackwood. He’s third in line for the throne and a self-styled “progressive royal,” and it seems a high-res camera is never far off when he’s having a “just like us!” moment. James seems to share Morgan's criticisms of the monarchy, but does his performative activism mask a calculating agenda? While Edward struggles to adapt to changing times, James unabashedly courts both the media and Morgan—all while positioning himself as the future of the Kaldranian monarchy. I think Joe Alwyn would make a fantastic Lord James.
As Morgan navigates between the cousins, she realizes that James's flashy reforms are merely surface-level, designed to accumulate personal power. Edward's quieter resistance to change, on the other hand, stems from a genuine concern for the institution's stabilizing role in society. Through twelve festive days of soup kitchen volunteering, children's hospital visits, and centuries-old ceremonies, Morgan and Edward find themselves drawn into a debate that becomes increasingly personal.
Morgan discovers that some traditions carry deep meaning beyond their surface pomp, while Edward realizes that true loyalty to the crown might mean challenging its archaic foundations. Meanwhile, James's machinations threaten to turn their growing romance into a constitutional crisis, using Morgan's social media influence as a weapon in his bid for the throne.
Just as their relationship between commoner and prince begins to warm, Morgan uncovers a story that could either revolutionize Kaldrania’s monarchy or destroy it (and her growing feelings for Edward) completely. On Christmas Eve, she must decide: does real journalistic integrity mean publishing the truth at all costs, or is there more nobility in helping Edward reform the institution from within?
Between cookie baking, photo ops, and snow-covered courtyards, Morgan and Edward must find a way to bridge their two worlds. Maybe, just maybe, they can bring the monarchy into the modern age—without losing the magic that makes it so special during the most wonderful time of the year.
Hallmark, I’ll provide my bank details once you greenlight this project!
Happy holidays, everyone, and thank you so much for reading The Fascinator in 2024! I’m going to take a little writing break until the New Year, but stay tuned for a special announcement coming to you on Boxing Day. Something tells me that we’ll be in constant communication in 2025 ;)
Morgan Pierce is such a funny heroine name for a movie about courting a royal I can't 😭
I’m behind on my reading but I would watch the heck out of this movie! It’s a fantastic premise but don’t forget the millions of followers shipping them from behind the screens.